CONTEMPLATING HOMER

No, not Simpson, you idiot

I went to see The Odyssey a couple of days ago. When I entered the theater I was 89 years old and slightly hard of hearing. But I think they sneaked lotus petals into my popcorn because when I came out, staggering, I was 112 and totally deaf..

I’ve been thinking, since, about what it must have been like when the filmmakers first met to discuss the making of the film. I picture them sitting around a table. I was involved, once, a long time ago, in such an undertaking, so I know what the room looks like. Mahoghany table. Carpeting. Nothing distracting.

Guy #1: Okay, let’s talk about sound. What kind of sound are we going to do?

Guy #2: Thumping? Thumping would be good. What would thump?

Guy #3: Spears.

Guy#1: Great. Okay, we’ll start with spear-thumping.

Guy #2: REALLY LOUD.

Guy #3: Rhythmic, okay? (He pounds his fist on the table. Rhythmically.)

Guy #1: Great. What can we add next?

Guy #2: Arrows. Lots of arrows.

Guy #3: (looking dubious): Aren’t arrows silent?

Guy #2: No, they go zing. And if we have hundreds of them going zing…

Guy #1: Make that thousands.

Guy #3: Right! Thousands of really loud zings are good. And then screams? Cuz people get whacked.

Guy #1: Okay: Thumps and zings and screams. How about clanking, though? We need clanking.

Guy#2: The swords could clank.

Gu #1: Yes! Okay, I think we got it! Thumps and zings and screams and clanks….

Guy #3: Really loud! And then we can mix in some mumbling, just for variety!

Guy #1: Who would mumble? Matt?

Guy #3: Yeah! He could mumble a whole lot of stuff, like about the gods! So you would have, like: mumble, mumble, mumble, Zeus, mumble, mumble…

Guy #2: Would his beard interfere with the mumbling?

Guy #3: Does he have a beard? I thought he was just going to have a short bunch of hairs…you know, like pubic hair…glued to his chin.

Guy #1: That’s what a beard looked like then.

Guy #2: Oh. So let me get this straight now. Matt does a lot of mumbling, and says Zeus sometimes, and all around him are swords and spears and arrows clanking and thumping and…

Guy #3: Wait. Why exactly does he say Zeus?

Guy #1: He’s assigning blame. It’s like, a theme thing. So students have something to write papers about.

Guy #2: I hate that, when you have to think about metaphors and stuff.

Guy #4, who has been silent till now: I’m wondering why is his pubic hair brown sometimes and gray other times?

Guy #3: Beard.

Guy #4: Okay, beard. Why is his beard gray when he wears the bathrobe?

Guy #1: He’s old, then. That’s so the audience knows time has passed.

Guy #4: But why does his wife still look the same?

Guy #1: She’s an actress. They don’t want to look old.

Guy #2: And his son. What’s the son’s name again?”

Guy #1: Teletubby or something.

Guy #2: Yeah. Him. Isn’t he supposed to be just a kid? And then when his father…excuse me, I guess we call him Dad…comes back with those gray hairs stuck to his chin, so we can see that’s he’s old now? Teletubby should be middle-aged. But he isn’t. Except, come to think of it, he kinda looked middleaged back in the beginning when he was a teenager.

Guy #1: You know what? We’re completely forgetting about the suitors.

Guy #2: Nobody cares about them.

Guy #1: But they make noise! They, ah, lemme think, they shout! Add shouting to the noise list.

Guy #3: And barking! Add that! Cuz there are dogs!

Guy #4: I thought they were all dead.

Guy #1: That’s later. First they bark, then they die. And then Matt’s guys all die (and he mumbles that Zeus did it), and then the suitors all die, and … does Teletubby die?

Guy #3 (looking at notes): No. He becomes king.

Guy #2: Is he middle-aged by then?

Guy #1 (impatiently): No, they had teenaged kings then.

Guy #4: Doesn’t Matt become king?

Guy #1: No, he’s too old. He retires. He goes on a cruise with that actress.

Guy #3: Is there still thumping and clanging?

Guy #1: No. Cuz everybody’s dead.

Guy #2: Jeez, I don’t think the audience will like quiet. Should we have Market Research look into that?

Guy #1: No, there won’t be any quiet, ever. Because there’s also…we haven’t gotten to this yet…gonna be background music. All the time. Even when everybody’s dead. We’re going to have gongs. Like large number of gongs! And percussion. Very loud. So it‘ll sound just like clanks and thumps, but electronic…

Guy #4: Cool. And…I’m having an idea, guys…

Guy #1: What’s that?

Guy #4: You said they go off on a cruise, right? Matt and that actress?

Guy #1: Yeah. First he changes out of his bathrobe.

Guy #4: Well…think about it. Cruise ship. What happens on cruise ships?

Everyone remains silent. They look questioningly at Guy #4.

Guy #4: Diarrhea!

Guys #1, #2, #3 (in unison): SO COOL!

Guy #4: And … wait for it…explosive diarrhea! A whole new sound track!

Long silence ensues.

Finally, Guy #1 speaks, in solemn tones: Gentlemen, I think we’re talking Oscar here.

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